Originally published on Canadian Family Offices on April 14, 2022

Article written by Dania Lawrence on Canadian Family Offices.

Parents, relatives, even children or siblings may not appreciate even a well-meaning stab at the topic this holiday

Holidays often bring family together and this can seem like a good time to have conversations with older family members about estate planning, but broaching the topic this holiday would be a mistake, according to experts.

Estate planning, in particular, can be a touchy subject because it deals with not only one’s death, but also one’s financial assets – two areas that can be highly emotional. And this can be intensified over holiday get-togethers, which can also be an emotionally charged time.

“While in a family setting, adult children often revert to the roles they played as children, and are completely unaware of this psychological shift,” explains Carolyn Cole, founder of Cole & Associates, a family office strategy and design firm. “When approaching the topic of estate planning for elder parents, be aware that siblings may unknowingly slip back to childhood assumptions and behaviours.”

Questions about estate planning and other end-of-life financial and health issues are complex to navigate, so everyone involved must be in the right frame of mind to negotiate these discussions.

“It is important to remind each other that the past is not necessarily going to play into estate planning and no one person is entitled to anything, regardless of promises from days gone by,” adds Cole. “Stay in the adult zone for all discussions and leave the past behind.”

 

Notice any health or cognitive changes in parents

However, holidays can be a time that many family members are getting together for the first time in a while so it may also be a time to notice any health or cognitive changes in parents or older relatives. Think of it as a time to take note of how everyone in the family is doing, note any changes and earmark a time for any monetary discussions in the coming months, explains Cole.

“Inquiring about or discussing topics such as powers of attorney and estate plans may not bring out the measured and practical responses the family hopes for,” says Cole. “By delaying these discussions until after the holidays, families have a better chance of a peaceful season and pragmatic solutions.”

Ways to start difficult estate planning discussions

But when the time comes to have these conversations, there are ways to both start and navigate these sensitive topics, explains Diane Craig, etiquette expert and founder of Corporate Class Inc.

“When it comes to having sensitive and key conversations … it can start at a point of distrust,” explains Craig. “People don’t like being told what to do, so you want to start off by making the conversation “we centric” not “I centric,” so it’s more of a co-creation. You also want to release some of your power to them and make sure you identify any fears and try and calm those anxieties before you start the conversation.”

The words you choose will also have an enormous outcome on the conversation and how well it goes.

“If you speak defensively, people will respond defensively,” says Craig. “And if you want to be persuasive you cannot be abrasive.”

Tips on how to talk about estate planning

Her suggestion is to avoid using words like “should” because it is a negative, aggressive word. And the same goes for “would,” “as it is a negative, passive word. Instead, replace these with ‘Let’s.’”

“For example,” says Craig, “avoid saying, ‘You should think about this,’ and instead say, ‘Let’s talk about this.’”

Similarly, Craig suggests avoiding starting sentences with “No” because that is an immediate rejection. “Instead, try replacing it with, ‘Yes, I see what you’re saying, but for me that would not work.’” In the end, it is about working toward a common goal, so establish what that is at the beginning of the discussion and keep it in mind throughout.

 

Parents and older relatives also need to be sensitive

On the flip side, parents or elder relatives may want to speak with their children, grandchildren or other relatives about their estate plans during this time. For Cole, the caution is still there, no matter which side of the family you’re on: Wait until after holiday get-togethers.

“The holiday season is generally emotionally charged without adding difficult conversations,” says Cole.